sarahkane-448psychosis-original(编辑修改稿)

sarahkane-448psychosis-original(编辑修改稿)内容摘要：

w my tongue with which to her I can never speak I miss a woman who was never born I kiss a woman across the years that say we shall never meet Everything passes Everything perishes Everything palls my thought walks away with a killing smile leaving discordant anxiety which roars in my soul No hope No hope No hope No hope No hope No hope No hope A song for my loved one, touching her absence the flux of her heart, the splash of her smile In ten years time she39。 ll still be dead. When I39。 m living with it, dealing with it, when a few days pass when I don39。 t even think of it, she39。 ll still be dead. When I39。 m an old lady living ion the street fetting my SARAH KANE PSYCHOSIS 13 name she39。 ll still be dead, she39。 ll still be dead, she39。 ll still be dead, it39。 s just fucking over and I must stand alone My love, my love, why have you forsaken me? She is the couching place where I never shall lie and there39。 s no meaning to life in the light of my loss Built to be lonely to love the absent Find me Free me from this corrosive doubt futile despair horror in repose I can fill my space fill my time but nothing can fill this void in my heart The vital need for which I would die Breakdown – No ifs or buts. – I didn39。 t say if or but, I said no. – Can39。 t must never haveto always won39。 t should shan39。 t. The unnegotiables Not today. (Silence.) SARAH KANE PSYCHOSIS 14 – Please. Don39。 t switch off my mind by attempting to straighten me out. Listen and understand, and when you feel contempt don39。 t express it, at least not verbally, at least not to me. (Silence.) – I don39。 t feel contempt. – No? – No. It39。 s not your fault. – It39。 s not your fault, that39。 s all I ever hear, it39。 s not your fault, it39。 s an illness, it39。 s not your fault, I know it39。 s not my fault. You39。 ve told me that so often I39。 m beginning to think it is my fault. – It39。 s not your fault. – I KNOW. – But you allow it. (Silence.) Don39。 t you? – There39。 s not a drug on earth can make life meaningful. – You allow this state of desperate absurdity. (Silence.) You allow it. (Silence.) – I won39。 t be able to think. I won39。 t be able to work. – Nothing will interfere with your work like suicide. (Silence.) – I dreamt I went to the doctor39。 s and she gave me eight minutes to live. I39。 d been sitting in the fucking waiting room half an hour. (A long silence.) Okay, let39。 s do it, let39。 s do the drugs, let39。 s do the chemical lobotomy, let39。 s shut down the higher functions of my brain and perhaps I39。 ll be a bit more fucking capable of living. SARAH KANE PSYCHOSIS 15 Let39。 s do it. abstraction to the point of unpleasant unacceptable uninspiring imperable irrelevant irreverent irreligious unrepentant I don39。 t imagine (clearly) that a single soul could would should or will and if they did I don39。 t think (clearly) that another soul a soul like mine could would should or will irrespective I know what I39。 m doing all too well No native speaker SARAH KANE PSYCHOSIS 16 irrational irreducible irredeemable unrecognisable derailed deranged deform free form obscure to the point of True Right Correct Anyone or anybody Each every all drowning in a sea of logic this monstrous state of palsy still ill Symptoms: Not eating, not sleeping, not speaking, no sex drive, in despair, wants to die. Diagnosis: Pathological grief. Sertraline, 50mg. Insomnia worsened, severe anxiety, anorexia, (weight loss 17kgs,) increase in suicidal thoughts, plans and intention. Discontinued following hospitalisation. Zolpiclone, . Slept. Discontinued following rash. Patient attempted to leave hospital against medical advice. Restrained by three male nurses twice her size. Patient threatening and uncooperative. Paranoid thoughts – believes hospital staff are attempting to poison her. Melleril, 50mg. Cooperative. Lofepramine, 70mg, increased to 140mg, then 210mg. Weight gai n 12kgs. Short term memory loss. No other reaction. SARAH KANE PSYCHOSIS 17 Argument with junior doctor whom she accused of treachery after which she shaved her head and cut her arms with a razor blade. Patient discharged into the care of the munity on arrival of acutely psychotic patient in emergency clinic in greater need of a hospital bed. Citalopram, 20mg. Morning tremors. No other reaction. Lofepramine and Citalopram discontinued after patient got pissed of with side affect and lack of obvious improvement. Discontinuation symptoms: Dizziness and confusion. Patient kept falling over, fainting and walking out in front of cars. Delusional ideas – believes consultant is the antichrist. Fluoxetine hydrochloride, trade name Prozac, 20mg, increased to 40mg. Insomnia, erratic appetite, (weight loss 14kgs,) severe anxiety, unable to reach asm, homicidal thoughts towards several doctors and drug manufacturers. Discontinued. Mood: Fucking angry Affect: Very angry. Thorazine, 100mg. Slept. Calmer. Venlafaxine, 75mg, increased to 150mg, then 225mg. Dizziness, low blood pressure, headaches. No other reaction. Discontinued. Patient declined Seroxat. Hypochondria – cites spasmodic blinking and severe memory loss as evidence of tardive dyskinesia and tardive dementia. Refused all further treatment. 100 aspirin and one bottle of Bulgarian Caber。